so this is my last week of school before i disappear from the land of the green only to return for my thesis defense some time in August 2009. does this worry me? yes. the sleepless nights i've spent staring at the ceiling thinking of the various situations i could possibly get myself into during my 8 months writing stint is proof enough that this new phase in my life is killing me. i hate knowing that the first half of 2009 is no longer planned out for me by some psycho working at the registrar's office in my university, yet ecstatic at the thought that i do not have to abide by any set course schedule or deadlines (except my thesis submission deadline) - i'm bi-polar that way.

i guess it's just scary to think that this whole Leave-of-Absence bullshit may be the very thing i need to prove whether i have the chops to make it as a writer. can i really write a 250-page novel? i sometimes fear i can't. maybe the lure of the writer's lifestyle is really the only thing i'm after. you know the whole stay-home-and-concoct-nonsense-plots-in-my-head-while-stuffing-my-face-fat-with-food thing. ok, that's not really the writer's lifetstyle, but that is my ideal lifestyle - that and a chef (or at least a restaurateur) for a husband.

i should stop thinking. someone once said that i get psycho when i think too much.
besides, i might be heading back to Singapore for a bit, that should be fun right?

strange though because for some reason i have fallen in love with the Philippines and am kind of hesitant to leave this place for any longer than a week. as much as i want to spend months gallivanting around my old haunts in Singapore with my friends, i really do not want to be away for too long. it will be stupid of me to stay and totally cancel my trip but somehow part of me wants to. i just don't think i can ever handle being gone for too long and coming home to nothing.

i guess we all have our insecurities...

p.s: i just referred to the Philippines as "home". wow, i really have settled in - took me long enough.
having two places to call home isn't a bad thing after all.

late post. this portion was meant for the 5th of december.


happy 9th birthday baby sister. i can't believe you're growing up so fast. it's a pity that i'm only now realizing that i should have been around a lot more when you were still a baby rather than getting myself wasted every fucking night. i missed out on watching you grow up and i guess that's something i'll always regret - not being around to witness your adorable little baby moments.

happy 48th birthday mommy. even after everything that our family is going through, you've still kept strong and for that i respect you a whole lot more. when i was 16, i once screamed at you, during one of our many fights, that i hated you and would never want to be you; but i take that all back because now i wouldn't mind being you because that would mean i would be as strong as you are. i'll never let a guy push me around ever again because of you.

love you both.