my epic welcome back to the Philippines post

i realized something rather substantial as the luggages stored in the overhead compartments above me rattled like legos-in-a-box during landing at Ninoy Aquino International Airport: everything is my fault. okay, not EVERYTHING, but most things i whine about my insignificant Filipino life is of my own doing and therefore i should really shut up; because to be perfectly honest with myself, i damn well knew the moment my parents shipped us to this strange land that things would change...

that the hawker center where my mom and i, after roaming the neighborhood wet market, would buy Sunday breakfast for the family consisting of tau huey (soya bean curd), 香菇肉脞面 (mushroom minced meat noodle) and the occasional tao suan drowning with you tiao (mung bean dessert drowning with fried breadsticks), would morph into a Jollibee, a red and yellow Filipino parasitic fast-food joint, my dad had driven us to for our first Sunday breakfast in our new home where we were served tapa, longanisa, runny egg-yolked eggs and garlic rice beside some sour veggie pickled type thing.

that the clean take-a-deep-breath-inhale-till-your-lungs-explode-out-of-your-chest air would give way to blackened snot and the occasional sniff-breathing technique employed in an attempt to minimize the thick black smog from clogging my airways and giving me lung cancer.

that the friends i've known for most of my life would no longer be a bus ride away but would now be 2397 kilometers away from me - way too far to have spontaneous 12am prata indulging sessions along Thomson Road or psychotic sand-castle building sessions along Siloso Beach.

i knew then, and i still know now, that when distance is placed between two seemingly inseparable entities, things will inevitably change whether we choose to accept it or not. i had chosen not to accept it and thus began my nonsensical tirade against my new home in an attempt to hold on to the only place i had told myself, on a depressingly warm April morning in 2004 as i sat on a Philippine Airline flight bound for Manila, i would ever call home.

it has been almost 5 years since the most depressing plane ride of my life and i somehow still managed to find myself in tears and screaming at the boy (via yahoo messenger).

"i hate it there! i don't ever want to come back. i have nothing to come back to anyway." i had typed one morning, lying down on my stomach atop dazzle's mess of a bed, as hormonal tears attempted to drown me. i was days away from leaving Singapore and had somehow awoken a crying mess. "cheer up," he replied; but i didn't want to cheer up so i threw a tantrum fit for a three year-old by being an inconsiderate and immensely rude girlfriend and logged off before he had a chance to retaliate.

you just don't get it, i had said, no one does...and i buried myself beneath dazzle's plentiful cartoon-stamped pillows to cry myself into a miserable mess.

now that i am back, and apologies are all in order, i've come to realize (i've probably realized this a long time ago but am now only putting it into words) that it really isn't anyone's fault if they don't get it nor is it anyone's duty to pity poor little'ol me who has been incapable of properly forging a new life in fear of forgetting the former because it's my own damn fault if no one gets me or if i don't have anything (or anyone) to come back to since all i've done since arriving here 5 years ago is push everyone away and become a hermit in my own head - only letting in a few choice people.

so i guess despite having to learn to live away from my family for an entire month, this short stint back in the ol'hometown really did me wonders. aside for giving me the chance to meet up with old friends, it forced me to finally accept that Singapore, while it may remain 2397 kilometers apart for now, the friends and memories that reside within her will always be with me even if i choose to live a life away from them in the future; because moments that have been wonderfully lived will always be there for you to re-experience in the pockets of laughter that tickle you in your most reminiscent moment; and even though the Philippines may have many annoying flaws that constantly makes me yearn for Singapore, i am learning to love her and everyone residing in her.

to the friends i've left back home: i miss all of you to death.
and to the friends in my new home: see you all soon.


...and i can't help but find it funny how it has started raining (not just tiny droplets of happy rain, i mean pouring rain - rain that can drown my poor dog) in the Philippines after my arrival and has gotten extremely hot in Singapore after my departure; while, when i was still in Singapore, it rained (and wouldn't stop raining) after my arrival and, according to the boyfriend, it became extremely hot in the Philippines after my departure. this whole switch of weather coinciding with my travel is just plain hilarious. it's things like these that keeps me thinking that the universe revolves around me.