i hate drama, and i generally try to avoid them, but drama #1674316431684 was unavoidable.

i'm the type who usually prefers, or attempts, to move forward in life; and thus i find it strange how i would give anything to have summer back, or at least last semester (despite my drunk status), because things were simpler then.

it just not fun to have been depressing myself enough to make me physically unwell. i know that the term 'depression' is so overused; but i think when you start finding it terribly difficult to smile or laugh at the things that are silly and stupid enough for you to usually find funny and feeling the need to cry every single second, you begin to understand that perhaps something just isn't right with you.

not in an attempt to be all 'i'm-so-emo-i-cut-myself-to-sleep', but the past few weeks have somehow been that way for me. while i normally would do anything to get myself out of such a rut, all i did was let it simmer inside me like a good pot of beef stew (excuse the food analogy, i'm hungry), which resulted in me detaching myself from everyone i care for. this has nothing to do with the bullshit mentioned in the previous entries by the way. i think my 'depression' (hate the term, love the meds) probably catalyzed last week's drama, but that is a whole other story which i now refuse to discuss because it's a rather pathetic topic.

anyway, moving on...

with my recent bout of flu making things worse and less tolerable, i guess it was high time i allowed myself - over three orders of Figaro's mocha frost, countless cigarettes and a yummy serving of Flaming Wing's chicken tenders - to accept the fact that i've been annoyingly stupid for getting depressed over things that i should have accepted long ago. sure, for the first time in my life as daddy's little angel-princess-sparkle-barbie-atop-a-pink-little-fluffy-pony, i'll be spending my birthday without him - he is too busy forming a tribe in Africa and refusing to come home for my birthday even though he promised (cue pout) - but that isn't reason enough to go on a downward spiral and relapse into the vice i've set my mind on quitting (namely: smoking). it also doesn't give me an excuse to develop a fear of attachment, paranoia or psychotic jealous tendencies because as much as i may want to appear all damaged, fragile, and misunderstood (it's just 'oh-so-cool' to be so), i really am not. in all honesty, i think i'm actually one of the most annoyingly boring person in the world. i'm a big yawn.

oh wells, i'm over all this. depression just doesn't look good on me.

it sucks to be blessed with a brain that won't ever rest.

...now that all of this has been verbalized and put to rest, i can finally materialize my thesis proposal. yay.