apparently my recent blog posts have been nothing but retarded minuscule sentences that reeks depression - or at least hints at me being all down and out. well life, in reality, hasn't been really such a downer; but since i like playing pretend, i recently injected a few novel worthy horrendous drama nonsense in my life that i originally predicted would cause me intense heartbreak, but in life's great irony has actually done me some good. strange how life always works out - it just keeps refusing to follow the plans that i have spent sleepless nights meticulously working out.

whatever. at least for once i'm not succumbing to a certain someone's worthless-flowery-swoon-worthy words but instead, since i don't flash my perfect (albeit nicotine-stained) teeth enough, have decided based on who makes me smile more. it was a pretty easy decision to make actually. i guess after having gone through a string of flings that were purely based on lust and convenience, i've told myself that i am sick and tired of choosing boys who i'd fall out of "like" in a glint. i'd rather be with a boy who will probably cause havoc to my already sensitive psycho heart when he leaves because it's always better to fall hard than indulge in mindless random make-out sessions with boys who i have no feelings for whatsoever - other than the fact that they are hot as hell.

and even though he may not fit the mold of who everyone thinks i should be with (he's far from being my usual alcoholic-drug-addict-scene-kid) it is okay by me. besides, according to my personal history, i only seem to fall for boys who are completely out of my league - those who many in my close circle may deem my complete opposite.

that has only happened to me twice so far (one was a hip-hop rapper and the other, well we all know who the other is); and unlike my string of boys, i still remember their names and have very fond memories of sitting by the beach, staring up at stars, and talking till the sun comes up. i don't understand my fascination with the beach and the stars, but somehow, those images are always connected to the boys i fell crazy in love with - maybe it's because those two boys both brought me to the same spot when we were dating (one of the benches along Esplande). sad thing though is that i never entered the exclusive i-now-pronounce-you-my-boyfriend relationship with either of them - we were always too pathetic to commit.

maybe the very fact that i was never officially together with any of them added to this intense "like" i sometimes re-experience when i think of them. i always want what i can't have and i didn't have them. so perhaps that's why i remember them as my great loves.

also probably why i first fell for this boy - he was someone i couldn't thought i couldn't have. don't get me wrong though, i am not saying that i have fallen crazy in love with the boy ("like" would be a more accurate term to use), but it has been an interesting affair so far and even if it comes to an end (like i once though it had), at the very least i'll have new material to use for my fiction.

[ewww. what a gooey-lovey-sicko post. at least it's more than two sentences long.]


...and Shia LeBeouf, i sex you - even if you repeatedly say "No".