reading my post on the 7th of october makes me want to laugh (or cry, i've yet to decide which), because i now take back every little thing on that post. ex-bf IS a moron and i DO hate him - which is sad, i don't like hating people, it hurts too much. i guess it took a shouting marathon (he did most of the shouting, i did all the 'what-the-hell-ing') over the phone to make me realize that the 2 years i spent with him is wasted time. where have all the feelings we've invested gone to? nowhere but arguments and this incredible hate that transcends distance. i truly regret everything. i should have kept it, i really should - that's my biggest regret.

he then decided that it would be fun to deafen me by declaring to his whole neighbourhood that i am a selfish, immature, domineering child who doesn't respect, listen, or care about anyone but herself and will thus die alone (no, he didn't say the last part, but he might as well should have, with the stupid tone he was using). wonderful. if he thought so ill of me, why the hell did he bother to enter a relationship with me and stay for 2 years. why did he make me invest so much of myself in him - someone who i thought would love me for everything i am (annoying quirks and all). i can't believe he'd been harbouring all these ill-feelings all this time. brings me to wonder if he was really sincere in his former declarations of love.

gah, this sure brings my self-esteem to a whole new low.
i didn't know i'm this detestable. i fear i may soon require a shrink.

when your mother says: "that boy isn't good for you and i forbid you to see him" believe her, because she's right. why must my mom be so annoyingly right all the time. she didn't even bother to get to know him. just by looking at him (more like a minute glance), she knew he wouldn't be good for me and that i'd soon regret everything. i fought her so hard for him too: running away, screaming matches of hate, little secret hideaways, crazy-ass lies...i thought, i really thought, ex-bf and i could be something. i hate being wrong.

...at least i can finally delete our pictures without feeling guilty.

.....i think i'll cry now. i'm too damn sensitive for this bull-shit.

.......i'm an emotional nutcase. i should buy a dozen cats.

oh by the way, i now write blog content (if i can find the time). so if you see some weird ass blog post which screams 'gushy-sell-out', i'm probably being paid. money makes the world go round and shopping brings a smile to my face; and when stupid days like this happen, i really need a boost to cheer myself up. so please (for the sake of my sanity), play along and be equally gushy - i need the humor.